I come from a ‘typical’ American family. I am an only child of one mother – two fathers and 3 step-mothers. I have 3 half-brothers, one adopted sister, 2 step-sisters and 1 step brother. Three years ago we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary while in Texas. Hannah witnessed the absurdity of my family’s relational dysfunction while waiting to play a song for the ceremony. She was chatting with her Uncle Joe (one of the half brothers) when a woman sat down next to her. The introduction went “hi I’m Carroll’s brother, Joe” to which the woman replied “ well hi there, I’m Cathy, Carroll’s sister – nice to meet ya”. Hannah just smiled sweetly and started playing the piano. There is such safety in music.
God’s intervention in my family is miraculous. My children have lived their lives with their biological father. They are the first children in 5 generations to grow up with their REAL father. That is as far back in the family history as we know. That fatherless-ness has been the source of such tragic abuse and bitter wounded emptiness that changing that curse to the blessing of wholeness we have today – changes everything.
How much to tell is always a tricky question. I don’t want to over-emphasise the past and glamorize the sinfulness of myself and others. To brush over it minimizes the immensity of God’s power – so balance is needed.
I only began to remember anything about my first 10 years in the last 10. I thought it was strange not remembering primary school or childhood friends or at least a few really scary teachers – but for most of my life – it was all a complete blank.
On a spiritual retreat in 1998 I began to recall some rather horrifying and incomprehensible images. They seemed impossible to my mind but deep inside I knew they were true. At first I decided I was going completely mad so I found a trusted Christian psychologist to help me figure it all out. VERY slowly, my current world began to unravel as I began to face what had been hidden away for so long. It all “fit” and explained quite a lot about my life. It was a terrible but liberating knowledge. Over the years more has surfaced and each new memory brings a new level of anger, denial, acceptance and forgiveness. I will never UNDERSTAND completely what caused my parents to behave in ways that I still find inconceivably evil but I do know that through every single moment of my life – God has been present. His PRESENCE makes all the difference. His arms of love holding me through whatever was, is or will be, gives me the strength to face life in this mad and evil time.
I am aware that my trust is not yet complete. I still worry and panic. I still have my moments in the dark where I am not sure He is big enough to protect me and I really struggle to believe He cares more for my family than I do, but deeper than my fears and worries is the REAL truth that He is with all of us. He does love us and look after us and will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be with us.
I sometimes look at the news and wonder where God has gone. He allows SO much more than I would but somewhere, somehow through it all, He is there. With every individual who is afraid. With every family who suffers. There is nothing new about human suffering. It has been part of history since Cain killed Abel, Jewish armies slaughtered entire cities, Romans fed Christians to lions and Hitler fed Jews to gas chambers. Evil men prosper and good people suffer BUT GOD is present. Our God is near. Our God holds us. Our God was here on earth and he knows what pain and sorrow feels like. He suffered and died and took our sins and all the sins committed against us on the cross. Nothing is too big, bad or ugly for the cross.
The shame I have felt for just remembering – for being - The Cross.
The responses and reactions and choices to sin in my life – The Cross.
Whatever will be done by me or to me in the future – The Cross.
My God ‘gets it’. He doesn’t look down from heaven and say ‘sorry’. He lives in me.
What I feel – He feels.
What I see – He sees.
What I experience – He experiences.
My safe place isn’t somewhere else, it is in the arms of a LOVING father who cares and watches and NEVER leaves.
PS. Want to know why I LOVE worship? The songs we sing give me a way of expressing my gratitude, dependence and love for God in a more powerful and honest way than just words. I get lost in God’s presence and I can to take my friends along
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