These two unreconciled expressions of me meant that I was living out a fragmented and very broken life. I had no idea what it meant to be at home with my God, with myself, or with my neighbour. This twin that I had allowed to grow in the shadows was pulling in the opposite direction from my true inner heart. Yet I could not acknowledge this part of me. Defeat and weakness was not an option. It was far easier to live in abject denial, with large chunks of my inner being in compartments that were in the no go zone. I was barely aware that they existed.
This concoction of pride and fear however, led me inevitably to the place where my dark self could no longer be contained. Early in 2001, the evidence of a failing pastorate and a broken heart became too glaring to deny. I was completely burnt out, but for comfort, I had started to allow old destructive habits to tug at me again. When confronted, albeit with a charge that only had some bearing with reality, I crumbled and gave up.
The devastating experience of giving in to my failure and giving up as a Baptist Pastor left me feeling completely shattered. The deep fear had caught up with, and overtaken my pride. I was not good enough. The belief that I was not worth any effort had finally overtaken all of my efforts. I had been found out. It was not concern or love for my wife, or my children that kept me from suicide. It was the fear that God had abandoned me too. I felt like a disembodied something, just floating through space with no sense of mooring to anything. If I were to die, that would be the end of me for eternity. I had no hope. I had no home.
As I look back on this lot, some seven years later, I am astounded at God’s capacity and faithfulness. He allowed the devastation so that I would begin to live in the truth that would set me free.
Yet, He never ever left me. He loved me very specifically and meaningfully. He ordered my circumstances and nurtured my responses, so that I would start on the long walk to freedom. (If you have the time and the inclination, ask me and I will willing fill you in on the detail. Included in this story is the goodness of Vineyard people and other dear family and friends who have loved me and opened the way for me to live the passion of my heart. And so, I write this to celebrate God and friends who have loved me to this point.)
I see now that the path He has had me on could not be designed by any man-made wisdom to set me free. It was a unique design, made for me, to show me specifically, how deeply I am loved and cherished by God. It is in that knowledge that a ruthless and robust capacity to trust and to love was borne and is now being nurtured.
Let me give you one small taste of this. Four times, completely independent of each other, and all quite miraculous in their nature, God has spoken a phrase through faithful friends. The phrase is “You are my beloved son, and I am very pleased with you.” It is not just the miracle of the content of this phrase, nor is it the astounding circumstances through which they were brought to me that is the true miracle. It is what they did to my inner being to coach me into being enabled to hear God’s voice. He knows me so well and loves me so perfectly, that he willed to use others in ways they do not understand to open the ears of my heart.
You see, the amazing thing about the truth that sets me free is that I really have to receive it deep in my inner being for it to have this freeing affect. These past seven years have been about building a base to start receiving with my whole being. This is my work; to nurture the faith required to shut out the voices of unlove and to truly attune my whole being to receive my belovedness. Merely receiving it in my mind does not come close. My whole being has to be engaged. God is not into half jobs. He wants all of me. He loves me that much. He wants my will to be so deeply engaged with His, that in this, I am being drawn up into the astounding privilege of “partaking in the Divine Nature” or to put it differently, to be drawn into intimate AT-HOME-NESS within the circle of the Triune Godhead together with my family and friends.
So, the journey homeward continues. There are still many, daily challenges on this journey, and the dark twin is still definitely alive and tugging me away from home. But I am learning to recognise how he manifests himself. I am learning to enjoy my God and my family and friends even in the dark corners of my being. Shame does not have the same hold or give the dark twin the reign that he had. When I see him in operation, I expose him to my God and sometimes to friends and to family too. As I do this, I notice that he retreats, but it is clear that he also has fewer places to hide. As love floods in and lights my soul the joy of freely returning home gives me hope and energy for the journey.
If you want to hear more, or were touched by any aspect of this testimony, or want to share some of your journey with me, it will be a great privilege to engage with you. Please feel very free to make contact with me. Thanks for reading… Later
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